Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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