ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
