do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize