What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
