Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You have to summon your inner elephant
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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