just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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