I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I have fence marks all over my body
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
