So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
