Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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