and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
