May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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