I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
