i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
