you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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