Buhtt sex?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
