Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Randomize