i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
