well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Randomize
