Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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