Soap is not a condiment
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize