I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
