literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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