i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
