I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
