I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
