I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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