It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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