Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
