sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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