dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
