So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
