Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
