It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Did I show you my penis last night?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
