I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
