just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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