i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
