his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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