We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
