We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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