2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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