When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
