If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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