Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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