youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
and she was petting her beer can
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
