Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
