Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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