I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Ladies don't puke and tell
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
