I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
