They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
