Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
