I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
