I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
