quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize