you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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