Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
