It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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