Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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